1/16/2018

Yesterday was hard. It’s not easy to see my guy pricked and prodded. Let me first explain the harsh reality. He no longer looks like himself. Lying in one position has caused his whole body to look like a puffer fish. Sadly, due to being on oxygen all week, some air has escaped into the chest cavity, which they were quite concerned about, so they had to put tubes in both sides of his chest to allow that extra air to escape. The doctor called and gave me an update before I had left for the hospital. He needed my approval on inserting the tubes to his chest. The doctor explains things in cold, hard,  brutal facts.  An example, ‘if we do this I could nick a lung and he could die. Ok. There was more. Believe me, there was more, but in the end two nurses over the phone wanted to hear me say ‘yes. Proceed.’  So they could do it. Now. Before I was there. It’s like I have to make these monumental decisions in order to save his life and at the same time be aware of his mortality. I talk to his mom every day. What am I supposed to say to her?  Or to my children?  ‘The doctor wants to do this. It may cause death immediately.  If I don’t, he still may die as well. ‘. It’s just overwhelming. In the end, I agreed. 

So because of the escaped air, his neck was so swollen on one side. It takes time for that air to release, but at least the tubes are there so it has a way out?  Yes I used a question mark, on purpose. 

Afterwards, they then wanted to change him to a different bed, again. But just a day ago they did that and his numbers were all chaos and never got back down after moving him.

Another decision I have to make as his life is in the balance. ‘He will swell up even more than now but it will hopefully (hopefully) help his numbers and his wellness.’  The doctor said, waiting for my go ahead. ‘Ok? Go ahead? Apparently, the bed works like a rotisserie chicken. (My conclusion, not the doctors).   And rotates him to his stomach and tilts him periodically from side to side. 

The bed is called a Rotoprone. And, from the little research I did, has had some good success. 

And so, even though I don’t understand the Doctor even though he repeats it many times at my request, in different ways to help me understand, and honestly, I still didn’t understand at the time. Sleep deprivation and ADD symptoms from sleep deprivation does not a good brain think. 

But, now after a restful sleep last night in spite of the gravity, I can honestly only conclude that ‘omg they ARE doing EVERYTHING to save his life.’ And that is very encouraging. 

And also, in conclusion, Do I appreciate the doctors honesty?  One hundred percent. Does it deflate my hope sometimes?  One hundred percent. Do I think they are doing everything to save his life?  One hundred and fifty percent. 

It’s like those drug commercials that say how wonderful it is and then say the warnings in a quieter and super fast speed. But you always hear, ‘May cause death.’

And now, preparing myself for the hospital, as I get ready to leave. I am sorry, but I probably won’t be sharing pictures this time. I am still fighting the flashes of that reality that seem to whoosh over me all too often and makes every nerve in my body hurt. 

Hopefully we are in the upside?  At least I even have hope today. It was pretty much deflated yesterday. One positive, his numbers did not go all chaotic after moving him to his new bed, and in fact, lowered to 50% again, which is good. Not great. But better than 80 and 90. This number means, to my understanding, that he is able only to breath 50% so they have to give him 50%. So breathing at 20% instead of 50% is not good at all, but if you only have a choice between 20 and 50....it makes one appreciate every single positive. 

I spent a little time reading all the prayers that my mom sent me on her Facebook page. All I can say is thank you so much for your prayers. And please...don’t stop. 

Love love, Michelle 

We are still not receiving any visitors. People are constantly in his room helping him to get better. 

If you would like to send a message, please use my sons email. He will make sure I get it. My account is so full right now because of not keeping up with it. I am on way too many lists. ;). 

Ironmatt613@gmail.com

Of course, with family, this does not apply to you. You are our priority.