I remember
I remember when David was sick and I took him to the Doctor.
I remember taking him straight home because he was shivering but he didn’t have a fever and then going back to fill his medicine and hurrying back so he could start taking it to feel better.
I remember that he didn’t get better but worse and taking him to the emergency room.
I remember that he doesn’t remember any of these things.
I remember them putting him in a coma so he wouldn’t die.
And coming to the hospital everyday; mostly standing by his bedside and touching him. Hoping, praying, sighing, wondering, dreading, thinking too much...
I remember when he was the head of the household. And I stayed home and took care of home and family.
Now I am the head of household. At least all the millions of papers I’m filling out says so.
But he is still the head of our home. I’m just assisting him and ‘administrating’ so to speak, for the CEO.
I have been busy keeping things together, taking care of business, home, family and getting ready to step my feet back in to the workplace. My first day is tomorrow.
A bittersweet feeling. Sweet in that although it will be less than half of what David brought in, it’s something, and this is the way I can help the family.
9-5 Monday through Friday; Administrative. Close to home.
Everyone has their own take on it. David hates that he can’t do it so I reassure him that it’s ok and maybe later he can. He feels less, but I don’t see him less. He is still my rock and I am his assistant doing what needs to be done, for him.
And the boys... I know all their little quirks and between the lines stuff. And I won’t be there to see what they need, to keep them motivated, to help them carry their little burdens and so on.
And my girl. My strong girl whom I know inside and out. All her quirks and fears and burdens.
And how I will need to carry a makeup bag in my purse tomorrow when I can’t hold the tears back and have to hide it.
They are all taking on things that have been my responsibility. And I know they can do it. It’s just new and uncomfortable and we will all have to adjust to yet another new thing.
Every once in a while tears fill my eyes as I think about things to remind David of. ‘If Hannah does this then she is...or if Johnny does that he needs... and if Matt, ...let them talk a lot. Touch them. Don’t keep them too busy. Interact.’ Not that I question David’s ability in the least, it’s just the things I will miss out on that all of a sudden take over my heart.
And David... he is not great. He has been coughing a lot and takes 2-3 hour naps daily. NEEDS OXYGEN OFTEN. And his limitations are frustrating to him. He sometimes forgets and then remembers, and is a little down off and on through the day. Sad thoughts throwing shade on his sunshine.
The problem is that all of them smile and say everything is ok. And mommas have a way of looking deeper to see that smile doesn’t belong to that heart in this moment and I have to be an archeologist, counselor, friend, sunshine, creatively find something to do together to make them forget for a while....
And smiles kill me the most lately. Because I always see behind the smile; the pain.
There are true smiles from time to time; I relish in them and am so very grateful when I see authentic smiles.
Still waiting for disability. Still receiving kindnesses here and there to help us get through the waiting. Now I get to add a little kindness to our bank account as well.
For the first time ever, we did not pay our mortgage this month. They have been reviewing our loss mitigation claim for months now. It was supposed to only take 30 days. But it’s going on 90.
Hopefully we will hear back soon and be able to pay a significantly decreased amount that will help through this time.
The hospital charity board called me a week or two ago to get updated on our status which is now worse than what it was. She said we should hear something back in a couple of weeks which should be any day now. It will be in the form of a letter. Hopefully it will put a significant dent on our hospital bills. And oh what a day it will be to copy that letter and send to every single one of our hospital debts that gives us a get out of jail card and collect a hundred dollars. (Add as many zeros in front of that 1 as you please.).
A girl can hope.
Also, the CareNow review team are looking over all of our medical bills and situation that basically sent us to the emergency room in the first place. It may come to nothing, but at least they know what happened to a healthy vibrant man whom they told to ‘take these pills and you will feel better in two days...’
He has a doctors appointment week after next that Hannah and the boys will take him to. I will be working. I am trying to write down all the questions we need to ask so they won’t forget. Hannah will go in with him.
A friend, a Superman friend, suggested we record the visit so we can play it back. Ingenious!
I know hope lingers. I don’t feel it often, but I cannot imagine getting through this without it.
Thank you, if you are still following. We are still here. It has been hard to find time to write. I will continue. It just may be short updates with a longer update every now and then. I know you love us and are praying. And we all thank you so very much.
Love,
Shelli