Happy moments.

Happy moments. 

Let me not allow another day to go by without saying some happy things...

Jeremiah is now married to the most beautiful soul who just had a baby. He is in the process of adopting this precious little boy.

Her name is Helen. She is adorable beyond adorable. Hannah and I FaceTimed her yesterday. We fell more in love with her than we already were. 

This baby will melt your heart! I am now a mimi.







His name is Uziel. (Oosiel)
We are so happy for them! They are not together yet. Lots of rigamarole. But soon. Soon. And now this little guy has a dad. Jer is becoming an amazing man.

Matt sat in on a computer class at our library today. Uhhmmm. He was the smartest one there; not to brag. And he may have just earned himself a scholarship to UTD based upon his intelligence. Yay him!!!

Hannah is about to start classes again at Richland community college. She earned her way to honors classes. What? Making a name for herself when she transfers to TWU. Her feet are dug in and she is determined to continue on in nursing. We could not be more proud. 

Jono...that little sugar dumpling, has been making dinner time a lovely event. I kid you not, he teaches ME; especially in kitchen safety. And he just has a way to impart correction without correcting. I am smarter because of him.

Did I not mention how amazing Jeremiah is besides swooping up a girl he loves and becoming an instant stepdad? He, also, has continued taking college courses online and maintaining a 4.0 in the midst of his responsibilities and taking on an instant family. 

Ummmm Matt has aced the SAT and his highest practice score is 1330. 

Honestly, I have only pushed them to love to learn. They are all beyond me and my only credit is instilling in them a love to learn.

I am still acknowledging beautiful positives. Things are going forward. Most things. Despite our situation, our children go forward. 

What more can I hope for? I can think of a lot, but I will most certainly embrace a thankful heart for the good that is here in spite of the hardships that try to bring us down. 

XO
Shelli


Sent from my iPhone


Sent from my iPhone


Sent from my iPhone

So hard...

 So hard...

I did not handle the finances. 

David has always done that. 

He never missed a payment, 

always paid more 

than the monthly amount and 

NEVER NEVER EVER 

used credit cards. 

The only debt we have 

is the house and my car. 

My car is used 

and the amount owed 

is approximately $2500.00.

Otherwise, 

we just have normal payments 

each month; electric, gas, water, 

insurance, mortgage, etc. 

you know, the normal debt. 

David’s motto has always been 

if we can’t afford it we don’t need it. 

And his credit score has always been 

above average. 

He has been the 

most responsible and upright person 

I have ever known.

It’s so hard 

having a few of our hospital bills 

go to creditors. 

As I said, 

I did everything on my part to 

avoid that 

however just a trickle 

went to creditors. 

And then there is the mortgage. 

We have applied for help 

with the mortgage company 

two months ago. 

They are as kind as Social Security.
‘ thank you for the information we requested, it will now be 30 days to determine....’. 

I have received this response 

six times. 

I just received the sixth one today. 

It’s sssssooooo frustrating. 

We do not have the money 

to make our mortgage this month. 

And if we had extra money 

it would go towards 

the monthly doctors visit. 

David has to see a 

pulmonologist monthly, 

and because they are specialists

it is quite a bit more money. 

We could barely afford groceries this week. 

You have your own worries, 

and I am not asking for anything. 

I am just ranting. 

Somehow things will work out 

but it is so very unclear at the moment.

David would say 

pay the mortgage 

and don’t worry about me. 

I say go to the doctor 

and buy groceries. 

But David always convinces me 

that his way is right. 

I am in charge 

but I do ask for his advice. 

I have no idea what to do. 

It is quite painful. 

Honestly, this month, 

I am struggling to take his advice. 

In the end, I will do what he wants, 

but I so do not want to right now. 

It’s hard to look forward 

when we have now needs. 

Omg how very hard life is.

XO

Shelli

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Damn those tears

Forgive me for being sad... still. 

I’m trying not to be. 

Really. 

It just feels so heavy 
right now.

Heavy. 

I have a disabled husband. 

He needs me. 

I’m here.
I got him. 
And that 
is not a problem. 

I’m just 
not so good at it. 

But I am learning. 

Oh do I hope 
beyond hope 
that he 
would get better. 

A miracle
is what we will need. 

But reality
is so freaking rude.

‘I need to get 
some water, 
Advil, 
and I need my cough medicine. 
I will get it.’

Oh no you won’t.
He can’t.

He can.

But it will take him 
thirty minutes 
to recover.
So I do it. 

I am always
five steps ahead 
and make decisions based upon that.

When I sit and think?
Tears will not stop. 
So I try not to think. 
Just stay busy.

Please pray for us. 
We are on the bottom
Of the ocean floor. 

XO
Shelli

And on and on...

And on and on and on...

Will I ever grow accustomed

 to watching him gasp for breath 

within minutes of any kind of exertion?

Will I?

Just when I think tears are slowing down 

and less flood forecast on the horizon,

 here they come, 

without a centimeter of notice,

 and flash flooding is upon me.

These are the days of comfort in Judaism. 

They began Sunday evening. 

The 7 weeks of comfort.

Comfort.

I have always looked forward to these days every year. 

But a few years back, things felt like they were falling apart 

during the comfort weeks.

Call me ‘not very bright’ 

as I just could not understand 

WHY? 

are things so upside down and sad? 

‘It wasn’t like that the year before

 and the year before before and on and on...so 

WHY?’ I say in my heart to the King of the universe.

And then the thought comes to me....

how can I know comfort

if I do not know suffering? 

Comfort would be

an enigma.

I am a big fan of comfort. 

Not so much suffering.

But they go together;

a package deal;

blue light special.

But I have learned,

where there is suffering, 

comfort is close by.

And so I wish for myself, 

my peeps,

and to all of you, 

far and wide;

 to you and to yours 

and to their ‘yours’ 

and on and on...

COMFORT.

May it wrap us up, 

gather us close,

and whisper

comforting words.

May it be so.

May it be.

XO

Shelli

Sparkles

We were supposed to have received our last temporary disability check this week.

They called on Monday
to make sure we weren’t receiving disability from social security yet and needed an updated status. Despite the update, the last check did not come. Not sure what that is all about, but we will find out on Monday.

Nevertheless, we received several donations this week that really helped the loss.
Heavy sigh...
thank you so much!

And the other little things here and there; you know those little things that are really big to you until you start explaining them to someone out of pure joy and they look at you like ‘okaaaaay? So what’s so big about that?’

I have learned, through the years, to keep those little things in my pocket, and just enjoy the love that was just for me.

It may seem so abstract, but I think about the pond in our park close to our house; how the sun shines down and the water glistens and sparkles, like diamonds. You can’t pass by without noticing but I’ve grown accustomed to it and it’s easy to just pass by without being in awe. Sometimes I stop and admire. I could sit there for hours just watching; it’s so beautiful.

Maybe it’s why I don’t allow myself much time when passing by. The busy mother in me pulls along my little girl self who wants to stay.

That’s how I picture all the little things; a vastness of tiny little sparkles. We are learning to pause more and see. The mother can wait. Haha

Davids recliner is big enough for two. We take turns sitting by him. I oftentimes lose my turn by the end of the day, out of sheer busyness on my part, but this week I have reclaimed my turn, several times a day. And it’s precious. I enjoy every second.

Life is always fragile and precious, but it’s not always noticeable when things are fine. We all find ourselves just extremely thankful for each day.

We have spent A LOT of time looking back and wishing for those things we can no longer do. And it’s quite depressing to say the least.

So we are really trying to be more positive and make new memories of things we CAN do. I know I’ve said it before but it hasn’t stuck yet so repeat, I must.

I am almost positive we can all relate to longing for that which is no more just in general. Without a tragedy. ‘Remember when we used to do that?’ And then reminisce...and sometimes it’s pleasant while other times it feels like a loss.

But comfortableness
is so comfortable; cozy; like we could remain in a happy moment forever and be completely content.

But then change comes unexpectedly and is resisted; and sorrow grows from not accepting and adapting.

I sometimes forget David’s limitations. Like I see him outside with and without his oxygen, smiling, watching the dogs play; walking along side of them; him and the boys talking and laughing. I see that moment from the window as I pass by in my busyness and think everything is ok, when minutes later he is completely out of breathe and has to come in to recover. We are talking in a matter of ten minutes or less, he goes from ‘wow everything’s ok’ to ‘omg he can’t breathe.’

And I say to myself, why did I think everything was ok; smile at the happy moment; and go on with my day? How could I forget???

But as I write I think, ah, another one of those small sparkly moments that need to be savored; to stop and just enjoy every second of those ten minutes.

He is due for a Doctor visit and an X-ray. He loves Dr. L and while things are still so unknown, we will stick with him even though he is in Plano.

Dr. L is one of those things we want to HOLD ON TO FOR DEAR LIFE because he is comfortable and safe; and he cares in all of his outward seriousness and extreme bluntness; and he makes us feel safe despite his future forecast. At least we can know where we are and what to expect.
(Can we just have one thing the same? Something steady?
Please?)

And so, I have rambled on and on. Hopefully I have made sense.

Your prayers, kindness, words, generosity, continue to overwhelm us.

I shamefully say we get so caught up in our own little world that we don’t make a lot of time for those outside of our reach.

Because of you,
our vision is more clear.

It makes us so thankful to be thought of in the midst of your own lives.

And believe me
when I say,
we see nothing as little;
every little thing is anything but little...

We think of you often, and wish you the best.

XO
Shelli












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Wish, wish, wish....

Wish wish wish...I could write more than once a week. 

But life... is upon us. And this is the best I can do. Although it helps ssssoooo much to think and to write and to see. It’s so revealing and it helps me. 

This week will be somewhat of a bullet blog. Highlights into our week. It’s my goal, however, if I know me, some bullets might be too long. And the order will be completely ‘out of order’ as I am depending on my memory recall of events and some stick out more than others. 

Here goes:

• Hannah has signed up for both philosophy and psychology this coming semester. (I’m so excited...) because she comes home and spills everything on us and we also are more educated and better from her hard work of studying and learning. 

• David is still coughing; he can still over exert himself in a flash; he still needs oxygen many times a day and through the night; he takes over two hour naps on a daily basis AND he sleeps in till nine a.m. almost everyday. Sleep/rest = healing. And so, on we go. 

• He is faithfully exercising everyday on the recumbent bike and yoga ball and is increasing his time every week. He was at a lull for a while, and he needs a great deal of encouragement sometimes, but is mostly self-motivated as long as his spirits are high. 

• Oh, the first thing I should have bulleted... all forms from Social Security lawyer have been signed and turned in. ‘We will take it from here,’ they say. ‘We insist.’ They will not have to tell us twice...heavy sigh. 

• Thirteen separate bills that equal our hospital stay have been called FAITHFULLY every month. The first time we called and told them our financial assistant from Texas Health is pending, they in turn told us to send the letter of approval when we receive it and to be sure and call every month to ensure these bills did not go to creditors. All bills, except for three, would benefit from the assistance. The three that would not, I started making payments of $5.00 a month to avoid being handed over to a collector. However, this month when I called to remind the ten remaining, two had already handed us over to creditors. Even though I had recorded the date and who I talked to last, they were unwilling to listen. 

• you do everything right, according to their rules and yet to no avail. Drastic situations calls for drastic measures. 
• 

• However next time it will have to be $2.00 a bill instead of $5.00. It’s only because $5.00 can add up might fast when it’s 5 x13. And there is no money coming in right now. We are on reserves; except for the kindness of donations trickling in sometimes and ‘at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT!’

• My resume is almost complete so I can begin submitting to prospective opportunities. It is a little challenging; I have not ‘worked’ outside of the home in 24 years, except for a part-time contracting job with the naturopathic Doctor who helped David over ten years ago. It was a fun and flexible job and I did most of it at home. However her business grew and she needed full time help which I was not able to do at the time. 

• the potential position needs to be close to home. I have lots of experience in many things; cooking, health, dietician, teaching, bookkeeping, managing a home, art, etc...as a mom. Before mommy/wife, I was an administrative receptionist/ events coordinator. But that has been over 24 years ago. If I could only get my foot in the door, I am pretty sure I could quickly get back into the swing of things. And Hannah is very good at resumes. So, fingers crossed!

• another one of those things that should have been at the top of the list; David was able to put on his old tennis shoes yesterday. So his swelling has been going down off and on. He was swollen by the end of the day, but it’s not really an abnormal thing. Shake those ‘dogs’ off them tired puppies and kick back. Isn’t that something we all do?

• things are still very overwhelming and I have realized this week, how much so. So many things squeezing us, and tears burst out if we blink at one another wrong. We laugh and cry at the same time...and when we cry, we cry, with all of our hearts, and giggles slip out through it all. And then we repeat, several times before the calm comes. 

• But today, we are trying to breath deeper, and my new favorite word is; Underwhelm. Because overwhelm has been following way too close, and It feels like we are on the edge of an abyss, and could slip at any moment if we don’t underwhelm ourselves. 

• It may be that I’m repeating myself, but it feels like we are between before and after; right smack dab in the middle of here and there. Lots of unknowns and flailing in the dark, trying to find ways to elevate his quality of life. There is not much the Doctors have to offer. And so I have been doing my own research in ways to support his lungs. It’s a slow process. We don’t want to add too many options at once, so we can more easily eliminate that which doesn’t seem to bring improvement. 

• Each day is precious. But...and I hate to say that...but. There are so many things to do. And how realistic is to sit and stare at each other and make the most of moments? 

• Life goes on. We must allow it to carry us and make responsible choices; keeping the machine rolling. And learning through this, how to give to everything in a balanced way. 

• Honestly, it’s been a good long while since we have really laid things down just to rest. But we are realizing. it isn’t a luxury, it is definitely a necessity. 

• July 4th, I laid it all down, and it felt so good. But then the next day comes, and everything is there, demanding my attention. Medical bills, regular bills, homeschool, college, money, David’s health, finding a new doctor close by, learning what’s an emergency and what is not, completing my resume, applying for jobs, oh, and so many more things that wouldn’t make sense to you, but they are there, trying to squeeze the life out of us. 

• But as the song goes that has been playing over and over and over; that we can’t find anywhere...but wish we could because it’s a great song. We can only remember one sentence. ‘Everything’s gonna be ok.’ Go ahead, google search it. You will find many songs but none of them are it. The song must have an abstract title and is hidden from us for the moment. 

• Nevertheless...it keeps playing. Over and over; at just the right time. And we don’t think about ‘what’s the name of that song? I need it!!!’ We are only thinking....may it be so, with several sighs and a little glimmer of hope. 

• And then after the calm washes over, we come to our senses and think ‘what was that song?????’

But, in the end, we keep holding on to that. Everything will be ok. 

May it be so. 

XO

Shelli

PS...I have yet to write thank you’s to those whom I have addresses. Every time I think about my absence of a thank you or when David reminds me, I burst into tears. And so, once again, thank you...for your kind words, your care and concern, your help, love, everything..., thank you x infinity! I WILL write thank you’s. It’s at the top of my list, but inevitably gets pushed down because of imminent moments that need immediate attention. Please understand and do not feel slighted. We are living off of all of your kindnesses; way more than monetary but I would be lying if I said the monetary was not keeping us afloat. But as I write that, the encouragement equally keeps us afloat. We live in a physical world, with physical needs. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could live on encouragement alone? Is that the goal? If it is we are failing. The heaviness of losing everything sometimes causes me to be in the physical aspect of it more than I desire. But such is life. And one thing we cannot lose; each other.