Love, Mattis-yahoo

Today I went with mom to the hospital to see dad. Excited, yes.... but also anxious: Will he be different? Will I be able to handle it? Will he not want me to see him like that?

However, his face lit up when I walked in the room and I could see that he was indeed himself and happy to see me. It is at the same time both good and hard to see him. On the one hand,

I haven't seen him in weeks; but, on the other hand, it can be hard to see him weak, exhausted, far from his usual self, and with cords, tubes and whatnot coming out of him.

It can wear thin on your patience trying to read someone's lips who can't talk, but I discerned "I love you" and "I miss you". The saddest one was "I'm lonely".

I can only imagine what it must be like for him because as sad as we are all the time, at least we have each other. He is all alone in a strange environment, unable to efficiently 

communicate his needs, and constantly uncomfortable and in pain.  

He was in a good mood today but you could see that he was tired. No wonder considering he had been breathing on his own since 6 A.M. the previous morning. His right lung collapsed again

and the doctor said if it's not better in the next few days then they will have to do surgery and that could set him back as far as breathing on his own. 

However, despite all the bad things, there are some good things too. He has his sense of humor and grumpiness back, for example: as we were leaving, mom asked if she could take one picture.

He sighed and mouthed, "Fine. ONE Picture." When mom turned around to get her phone, he shook his head and rolled his eyes. While she "secretly" turned the shutter sound off on her camera

so she could take five pictures instead of one.

We had to lecture him a little bit because he is so worried. His brain still can't proccess information as good. Mom had to explain to him ten times that we were still living in our house.

he thought we had moved. He is also worried that we will run out of money. We have to explain to him that all he needs to worry about is getting better and everything else is taken care of.

We just miss him so much. I long for the day when everything is back to how it was before. 

-matt