Today was hard

What do I say?
Today was hard? (For the millionth time?)
For the 1,000,001 times,
Today was hard.
I went to visit. Face mask, gloves, etc... less than 30 minutes in, I had a fever, and left.
Sorry honey.  I do not want to get you sick.(tearfully)
Go home he says, without a voice. It’s ok.
He has lost a lot of muscle mass. His physical therapy is going to take a llllloooooonnnnngggg time.
He did well on the trache collar. They will now switch him over to the vent to assist him in breathing so he can get a restful sleep.
He tried to tell me something. I asked if he could say it again. He said never mind. (I ached so much and tried to hold back tears unsuccessfully)
I didn’t push him. He was tired. It takes a lot of energy trying to communicate and he was so tired.
I called my mom after leaving the room to go home. I sat in a chair away from the waiting room. It’s like the longest and widest hall with windows and 100 chairs.
I cried. She cried. She was helpless. I was helpless. What do you say? How can you help?  I do not know. Helpful quietness. No advice. Just love. And she did that as my tears just flowed and flowed.
I actually felt bad for her. It doesn’t feel good to feel helpless. I have become quite the expert in that emotion these past thirty something days.
Another day. Away from him. To keep him safe.
It’s why I asked for no visitors. He’s tired. He needs his rest. And he doesn’t need to be around more germs than he already is.
He’s weak.
He’s fighting.
He’s tired.
And we miss him so much.
Love love
Shell
Ps. Hannah sleeps with me now. And there has not been one day where I have not woken up in the middle of the night, thinking he is beside me. And then I remember.