2/3/2018

Have you ever seen the movie ‘50  First Dates?’
With Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler.

That’s what my life feels like right now.

I go to the hospital, greet my man with a ‘Hey cutie pie!  Here I am!’

I go through different yes and no checklists to see how he is doing.

He has moments of clarity and funny inside jokes between us. Today he mouthed ‘Dyin’ ain’t much of a living’ as I was taking a drink of water, then I laughed and choked and coughed; our eyes locked; he smiled and I laughed out loud. ‘I forgot to breath!’, I said. Which are phrases we use often, pre not breathing days.

Unhumorously humorous?  Funny but not?

Sometimes you just gotta laugh; and cry; and laugh again. It helps the process.

Then there are times he is legitimately not there; doesn’t remember I visited the day before; doesn’t remember how long he has been in the hospital or what happened. Or how many children he has.

I have started playing  videos of Matt, Jono and Hannah, being silly and sending their love. He smiles his crooked half after  coma smile and his eyes brighten. And then it all comes back to him; until the next day.

I have to relive everything everyday for him and then he remembers mostly but not always.

I have to tell him not to worry, we are taking care of everything. Sometimes I can’t hold back my tears and he mouths ‘it’s ok. I’m sorry.’

He is unable to cry for the moment, but I see his sadness. And sometimes a tear slips out.

I helped him with physical therapy today.  Just the day before, my nurse showed me a few things I could do every hour while I am there.  His legs are dead weight. I got a workout lifting them.

Here is his progress so far. Since I am the only one in the room I can’t show you everything so I just tried to do one thing as an example.

His hands are still pretty swollen but his feet look a little better.

Today they took weaning to another step. They took him completely off the ventilator and monitored his heart rate and breaths per minute, etc. He struggled so much. It was definitely a workout for him.


He said I love you back.  This is how he mouths words. It’s quite hard to make out most things he tries to say. And to see him struggle for air is quite tormenting. He tried to word something to me that I couldn’t quite make out. But he moved his hand a bit.  You want me to hold your hand?  He shook his head yes.

I spoke with the Doctor and he explained the protocol. They will increase the times he breaths on his own as he can handle it and then in the evening they will turn the vent back on to assist his breathing and allow him to get much needed rest.

Then when he is able to breath on his own completely, they will get a speech therapist to daily come and help him talk again.

We are talking months here; many months. Sometimes the reality overwhelms me. And I get a small taste of how single mothers may feel.

He’s there if you remind him. He’s not if you don’t. I know it will all get better, but I really miss him and it’s hard not to sometimes feel worry and fear.

I miss his voice, the way he walks around talking while brushing his teeth, his laugh and stability, his care and protection...  I miss him. We all do.

Self-care
Health-care
Kid-care
Pet-care
Repeat

I received several things in the mail today. Thank you so much!  I hope you will understand I may be quite delayed in responding. But I really thank you. It means so much.

Love love
Michelle and Hannah