Dear Davey

Dear Davey,

Today was hard. It has been three days since I’ve seen you because I am sick.  It’s hard because you can’t talk on the phone. You can’t FaceTime. Etc...

I know. Blah blah blah. Repeat repeat repeat...

Your stable now but you gave me quite a scare last night. They gave you a day to rest. They do that on weekends. I so wanted to be there today; undisturbed; holding your hand; looking into your beautiful eyes;  your hands, your feet, your voice...

I miss...

Sometimes I wonder...will you make it?   It tears me up. You know?  The thing I fear the most?  Is constantly coming up as I go on my way. A word; a picture; a thought...  

The thing I fear just continues to come before my eyes. I am not making it up. It just presents itself. 

We have a code now, don’t we?  So when I call, I can ask and know if you are being treated right or being neglected. 

Can Hannah drive the suburban? 

If you nod yes, you’re ok. 

If you shake no, you’re not. 

Of course you will always nod. Even if your needs are not being met; just to protect me. I know you...

And I sink. I just sink. Don’t protect me. It’s my turn to protect you. I promise, I don’t yell or tattle tale. I have my ways... and make sure you are ok in a nice and kind way. I do not make enemies, but I could, very easily. 

So just say, you overly nice person. Just say. I want to know. I want to help. I promise I will not freak out. I have really learned not to do that through this. 

I’m strong. Just tell me. 

I love you. I miss you. And tomorrow, I will come. Hopefully I won’t have a fever. But even if I do, I will look in, and not come in. 

I need to put my eyes on you.  For me and for your mom. 

Everything here is as good as it can be.  We are trying so hard to ‘fall in’ and accept our moment. At this point, we have yet to do that. 

Days run together;  and there is not a day that goes by that you are not missed and longed for. 

Your birthday is coming. February 14th. Wednesday. 

Your mom sent a card. I will bring it. 

We, also, will bring you a card.. and a gift. 

I will give you a better gift later, but for now, I will put lotion on your feet and massage them. I will comb your hair. I will help you practice your occupational therapy, and wash your face. Hopefully I can find a way to clean up your beard. I do have an electric beard groomer that I am determined to learn, and a way I can do it without getting hair everywhere. 

But I just want to say...you are adorable even on your sick bed. Really. Your eyes make everything better in my life. 

Both my mom and yours give me great comfort. I do feel so supported. Not more than I ever have, but a close second. You give me the most comfort. 

You have protected and loved me so much through the years. I’ve taken it for granted. I would have, never, in a million years, imagined us being here, in this moment. 

You are so strong and sturdy. And without you, I am fragile on one side, and strong on the other. But, mostly fragile. 

I love you, dearest. Please, please get better soon. 

I love you,

Ur Shelli