Birthday cancelled

I’ve always hated valentine’s day. There is just something about it that is so cheesy and seems devoid of true love, but stuffed to the brim with fake smiles, unrealistic expectations and flowers that are more expensive than a pair of shoes. But for our family, valentine’s day has a special meaning, because today is the day that daddy was born. 57 years ago, today. Ever since dad has married mom, for 24 years in a row, every birthday he has requested the same dinner. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and for dessert? Cherry dump cake. He never deviates. Old faithful. Once a year we go all out and make the best dinner for him…’Nothing special for me.’ He jokes. Today is the first time we won’t be having that dinner on his birthday.

We all feel melancholy. We miss him seems to be an inappropriate use of the word. It’s not strong enough to say what we feel.  It lacks depth and feeling. The weather today is perfect for what we feel, cloudy with a chance of rain. We can’t even go to the hospital today to see him because mom and I still have a fever. So, we sit in our pjs and think about him. No one is allowed in the hospital either. Its family only. For his safety but for you all as well. His immune system is so weak right now that even the smallest infection could take him back ten steps, if not lead to his demise. There are no exceptions. My mom wants to go so much, but she won’t because she has a fever, and to go see him would be selfish of her. She feels so so sad that she cant see him on his birthday.  How many holidays without him now? 24th Wedding Anniversary, Hannah's birthday, Shabbat every week and now his birthday.  All holidays cancelled till further notice.     

I'd love to get ahold of the doctor who sent dad home with antibiotics from care now. ‘No, he said, ‘You don’t need an Xray…you will be fine in a day or two.’ And two days later we had to go to the emergency room. What if that doctor had done his actual job? Would dad be home already??? Would he be as weak as he is right now? Would he already be back at work? I am angry; very angry and I don’t feel bad about it either.  It is literally going to be months, maybe this whole year before he gets back to normal. Normal being relative. He may never be the same again. So that’s just great.

Happy stupid valentines day.

Hannah

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