Negative rant...sorry

I spent the night last night with David. It’s always so sweet to be in the same room. 

When I got there, I could not contain my tears. And once they started, I could not stop. It’s just so overwhelming sometimes. And as hard as I try to ‘contain myself,’ some days that just does not work. 

‘Come...here...Shelli...,’  he says. I unload my things and curl up beside him; the side that has no tubes. His right side; because it’s ‘right.’  I cry on his shoulder; literally. 

Hindsight; he needed to be ‘needed,’ and it was ok that I cried. 

I stayed there, a good long while, and I felt so safe. 

I always like to tell him problems ‘after’ they are no longer problems. Tears welled up as I told him someone took care of us. Yes, I’m vague. I mean to be. 

He is sssooo uncomfortable, but he did sleep well. Last time I slept over, it was the longest night and he was interrupted every hour.

Sleep is important. But he was also uncomfortable and having trouble breathing, so, they were just doing their job, thank God. 

He does not complain, and is the farthest from a hypochondriac as one can be. If he says he is in pain?  He is in pain. And with all certainty, I know. It’s just trying to convince his caregivers of that fact. 

‘How bad is your pain?’ from a scale of one through ten.  ‘A three.’ he says. But I know good and well it’s at least a seven. 

Certain things break my heart, over and over. That I can pull him to one side with a sheet... that is the most tormenting one. He is a strong man, and I should not be able to help him go closer to one side. 

There are positives and negatives all mingled together. But most of the time, it’s easier to see the negative and more difficult to ‘believe’ the positive. 

He asks for his bag of hygiene items.     ( toothpaste, deodorant, etc. ). And does things all by himself. I pretend not to watch, hoping to give him dignity doing things on his own without butting in. But it takes everything within me to refrain from helping. It is so very hard. 

Today was a hard day. Shortness of breath, chest heavy with mucous that is quite stubborn to exit the body. 

So hard to see him frail and in pain; so very hard. 

But I smile and am positive.  Even though I’m not. 

I see things. And hear the nurses deal with him. I have to be extremely wise in picking my battles, therefore overlooking much.  

Heavy sigh. Sorry I don’t have a more positive entry. It just doesn’t seem positive, even though he has come such a long way. 

Bottom line. I still have not grown accustom to his pain. 

You know?  I need to end. I am being so very negative. It’s just where I am. It’s probably why I haven’t raced to make an entry every day. I’m negative. 

It’s just hard. What can I say. I do hope next time I will be able to be a little more positive. 

Don’t mind me. Things are going well. Two steps forward. One step back. A snails pace. Seeing everyday does not help to see forward.  I know it is. But I am just ready for it  to be done. 

Of all the people in the world, according to ‘me,’ he is the most worthy to be grumpy. He is uncomfortable; in pain; and ready for this chapter to be O-V-E-R. 

He is done with photos. And I do not blame him. So forgive me if my pics are few. 

Please no more photos. ;/

(But you have to admit; I did a pretty good job trimming for the second time in my whole life.) 
I feel so helpless, but continue to do what I can. I love him so much and miss his presence here. 

Thank you so much for your replies, and concern. 

I cannot wait to implement some consistently fun things that we can all look forward to, week to week. (Thank you aunt evy.)

The doctor clamped the left chest tube to see how he does. He will have an X-ray in the morning; as well as a blood test to make sure there is no infection, which the nurse was concerned about; fingers crossed.  

Sadly, as positive as I am while there, he is down. I do not blame him. I cannot even imagine the discomfort he is feeling. 

I gave him another trim with the electric razor; brushed his hair and ran my fingers through it for quite some time. 

Can you imagine not washing your hair for TWO months??!??

Poor guy. I wish I could find a way. Sometimes a shower makes everything better.  

Love 

Shelli

XO