Monday’s

And Mondays

Mondays are melancholy.

melancholy Monday’s...

Still riding high on Sunday. And back to Monday.

Mondays USED to be my happiest day. Everyone back to work, clean up weekend chaos. Get things back in order.

I used to clean chaos.

Now I make it.

David’s shoes are way too big for me and I can never fill them. But I wear them everyday.

Upon coming home the other day, I found myself smiling as the garage door came open. I saw through the window sheers the boys going crazy to get their shoes on to go outside to greet me and help carry all my stuff.

I smiled. I never got to enjoy the other side before. Now I know how David felt when he gets home.

And, even if I’ve had a bad day, I walk into a home of happy faces and excitement that I’m home. ‘I missed you’ is on a never ending loop. And touches, hugs, and loving eyes are mine until bedtime.

I also come in and ‘dump’ all my goods anywhere there is s blank spot. Now I realize why Daddy does that. It’s just ur so completely happy that you drop your burdens anywhere you can find.

The once tidy home has been mom mauled. I apologize profusely, but they will not allow it. They are just happy I’m home.

Even puppy and kitty go crazy to see me. I’m the most popular.

And we have no bedtime. We just go when we are tired. And we fight tired to the very end.

And it’s the fuel I need to begin again.

But I am tired. David’s new trick. Let me explain.

He now only has a chest tube on the left. A feeding tube in his stomach and vitals. Consequentially, his right side is free of tubes. For the most part.

They scooted him to the left so I could lay with him on the right. Heaven.

(Although it makes me miss him more.). Because at some point, I have to go. If I had my way, I would be by his side every second.

But I have other people who need me, so at some point, I have to ‘leave his side...’

As I was stroking his hair the other day, and then stopped for fear he would be irritated with me; he normally does not like touches and tickles, he said ‘more’ in his gravelly whisper voice. I told him I only stopped because you usually don’t like that. And then he said, ‘I long for your touch....’ he’s so desperate to be touched, his rules changed. Poor guy. I hate leaving him every day.

Yesterday I brought Jono with me. Daddy was already making plans to let everyone have a cuddle on his right side.

We turned on a movie and I cuddled beside him and fell asleep and woke up when it was ending. ‘What a good movie!’ I said.

Daddy smiled and said, ‘just...like...old...times.’ I do that more times than not. We smiled and laughed.

The assistant nurse stopped in to take blood pressure and vitals. I asked if I needed to move. Dad said authoritatively.’NO.’ I smiled apprehensively. But he is not willing to make me get up before my time.

Adorable.

And so now I have to drive home after cuddling. It does not feel right.

And the drive home is sad. We are becoming acclimated to our situation. I don’t want to think this way is normal.

I know I’ve said... for every one day in ICU it takes 3 days in recovery.

That’s a long freaking time. But I’m not so good at math. I thought (BRIGHT IDEA!’)

‘Ok. So three days equals one. And you were in ICU over two months. I started writing down days and how much further he had on the blackboard as an inspiration.

But then half way in the middle of figuring, I realized it isn’t looking very pleasant.

I’m stuck. How do I get out of this predicament? I roll with it, hoping he doesn’t notice. But the numbers are ‘written on the wall.’ And he says, ‘please get that off the board. Depressing...’ (WHAT WAS I THINKING....)

And I do not disagree. If that’s true, then at the minimum, his recovery as of now is only seven days in, for the most part.

I drive home....very mindful of the time it is going to take.

And it pretty much sucks. The new normal is just not pretty any way you look at it. I have to look at it everyday. And I have to push back the negative reality. It’s hurting every muscle in my body.

Kind of like exercise after you haven’t done anything in a while. It hurts first, but then it makes you stronger.

I’m still in the hurt part and wish the saying ‘no pain. No gain.’ Would just shut up.

People say I’m strong. But I do not feel strong.

Another day. Another heavy day. Minutes away from falling. But I concentrate on good days to come.

Jono got his turn yesterday. David’s eyes were shiny bright the whole time.

Love Shelli, XOXO