In plain sight

I find myself not thinking about the reality of everything on purpose. Survival mode. My tears are not far away. They are very, very close. And just the thought of the way he hugs  me before going to work; or our little routine at bedtime, just me and him... the way he grabs my hand when we are out. Or touches me when he passes by.   Or how he says my name. How he listens to me and values my opinion.  He trusts me completely. More than he should. He thinks way better of me than I really am. 

Or the sounds of ‘Daddy’s home!’, every weekday;  of Friday nights special dinner and staying up late surrounded by love...by way of laughter, and getting each other’s humor. Of the closeness we feel for one another. Of the safeness we feel because ‘Daddy’s home.’  Of his spontaneity and zest for life, but also his constants. He is very constant. It is a safe place. We can depend on him.  His surprises are expected, because his pattern is very clock work-ish. But he does it with every ounce of his being and you know you are loved. 

He is devoted to us, squared. 

And so you will understand why I push back thoughts to survive. 

But sometimes...the force is so great that it completely topples me over like a huge wave. 

And then there is no holding back the tears. 

And reality is way too close. His frailty. His dependence on me now. And this time came way too soon. Do we ever feel like we are ready for this?  Probably not. 

XO

Me