Sad reflections revisited.

I edited this post. I was frustrated when I wrote it and have had time to reflect in a more balanced way.  This blog is for real feelings, and sometimes (oftentimes) I am blunt and harsh. So I softened it a little.  Sorry for my harshness. It’s so frustrating and also easy to ‘blame’ someone. 

Xxxxxxxx

The thing I miss most 

is his infectious laugh...

It starts in his toes 

and moves up to his belly 

and explodes in deep heartfelt laughter, bringing tears to his eyes. 

Even if the joke wasn’t funny, 

you cannot help but to join him.

he still laughs, 

but with uncertainty; 

fear.

His face is smiling, 

his eyes are tearing up, 

and he can’t talk, 

but you can no longer hear him. 

He’s guarded and reluctant, 

trying to keep that big belly laugh 

contained 

or else it will end in an 

I can’t breathe coughing fit.

I can’t hide under my covers. 

I have to do his jobs and mine. 

Our partnership is lopsided 

and some days it hits me. 

And then I can’t stop crying. 

And even if I wanted to get a job, 

I can’t because I can barely walk; 

I am in so much pain. 

Jono cries every day. 

Behind his back. 

He spills on me. 

He can’t tussle with dad anymore. 

No more camping at lake texoma. 

No more Home Depot trips and fixing things. No more fishing. Throwing balls. No more. It’s all gone. Poof. 

No more running to the store for me 

or bringing me flowers. 

No more birthday gifts and special cards. 

Everything is gone. 

We have left a shell of a man 

who is daily depressed. 

And no one can say it will be ok 

because we all know it’s a lie.  

And all I want to do is 

hide from the world. 

But I can’t. 

And his boss wants to terminate David

because he can’t come back to work 

and he is not going to pay him 

a severance package. 

Don’t get me wrong, he was generous for the three months David was in the hospital. He paid him for jobs he started but was unable to see through to the end, and he also paid out of his own pocket, generous donations to GoFundMe. And we are grateful. It’s just that we were hoping for a severance package since David is unable to continue his work, and they have not, as of yet, offered him a position he could do from home. 

Social security 

is dragging their feet. 

Now we have to go to the doctor 

to get a breathing test 

that will cost over 500 dollars, 

that we really can’t spare, 

just to get the test for social security. 

And then they will send us another letter 

of something else they need 

after we jump through all their hoops. 

This must be what hell feels like. 

I’m so full of tears 

that if I let go 

I would probably cry a river, 

and drown. 

It’s quiet. 
The only time of day it’s quiet. 
Early morning. 
And Its Shabbat. The silence is so loud. 

My name is Bruce. And I’m bringing u down. 

XO 

Shell