We, the people

Sorry for the delay. 

Life. 

No time. 

I am sure you can relate. 

As of today, we have yet 

to receive disability.

The guys who were going to fix our roof put a tarp on the area where it was leaking. Me thinks that is probably causing more problems in the long run. I thought fixing meant repair not a tarp. But hey let’s face it, I could not have put a tarp up there so...thankful for no leak. Rotten wood under the tarp however...that is still a big deal. What to do, what to do. I have no clue. 

I work in a very hostile environment and go to work and come home in tears. Life in the workforce. I am sending my resume out to other companies right now but am gravely aware that the grass IS NOT GREENER on the other side. With new employment comes new difficulties to overcome. It’s just that....can I have a few undifficult moments. 

(I   know...it’s not a word.) 

I’m tired. I’m cranky. I think my home is falling apart. But one of my very wise children says to me, ‘We are doing okay. It’s you that’s falling apart and I hate seeing you that way.’

A tough pill to chew. Are things done my way? No. I’m not in charge of the home anymore. I’m the breadwinner. Or rather, the one biscuit winner. Haha. 

The holidays set us back. (Thanksgiving). And I was sent home several days with a fever during that time. And they did not pay for the day after thanksgiving. So this month I’m half a biscuit bread winner. Not trying to trick you into giving. Keep your money in your pocket. You’ve given enough. It’s why I haven’t written lately. Everyone has problems. I am aware. So here I am, coming down to the level of the ‘people.’ And ranting about wages and life and barely making it. And can’t even send my son, a million miles away a card or birthday gift because I can’t afford it. 

I am just so tired and weary and apparently the only one falling apart. 

Another day. Onward we go. We, the people.  

Help?

Hello all!

Nope, this isn't Michelle. Not Hannah, either. Actually, it isn't anyone with the last name "Watson"! So...who is this, exactly?

Misti and Jocelyn here, long-time friends of the Watsons. We have requested the privilege of doing a guest blog now and then, both to help ease the pressure on the family of keeping y'all updated on the latest and greatest happenings in their now-very-busy world, and also to have the honor of presenting specific ways you can assist them, whether you are in town or wanting to help from afar. 

Here is the current news! 

The Watsons have been working hard adjusting to the new ‘normal'. Michelle is working, Hannah is in college, the boys are busy with school and home duty, and David is taking on the teacher role for the boys homeschooling and handling the endless stream of paperwork as much as he is able. Needless to say, their world has been flipped upside down, and everyone has a LOT on their plate; hence the lack of blog posting recently. 

David had yet another doctor appointment and physical endurance test about a week and a half ago, the results of which will be used towards determining whether or not he will be granted disability. The test was hard, and David was utterly wiped out 6 minutes into what should have been a much longer exercise. Despite that, we don't know what the report will say, or how much weight that particular test is given in the case.  As some of you may know, applying for disability or social security benefits is not an easy process, nor fast, and there is an immense amount of paperwork involved and proofs to procure. Please continue to pray for favor and fairness as they press forward.

Michelle is now working full-time, as a liaison between insurance companies and families with children who have special medical needs, making sure they get the equipment and coverage they need. While she is (naturally!) very good at her job, it is still a struggle to make ends meet as she is bringing home half the income that David did and, as noted above, they are still not receiving any kind of disability benefits.

So, why are we delaying?! Here are some very specific and tangible ways to continue to help. Of course you can still donate to David's Recovery Fund via PayPal. And please do! There are always expenses that crop up - medicines, medical supplies, home repairs, car repairs, personal supplies, etc. Funds sent via the PayPal link are available for them to use at their discretion to cover needs that they may have a difficult time communicating. But there are other ways to help also! Below is a list of monthly service providers the Watsons use to keep their home functioning (like the electric that powers the oxygen machine David MUST have to be able to breathe).  Using the phone number listed for the service provider ask to speak with a customer service representative regarding paying towards someone’s bill anonymously then all you will need to provide is the information notated under “Process” to contribute any amount towards their monthly bills. Send them gift cards to Whole Foods...this is a big deal, actually, because they have significant dietary restrictions due to severe allergies, and have to be careful to make sure their food is free from cross-contamination. Let's face it - not all stores are careful in this regard. 

And finally, with the holidays upon us, many people are earnestly looking for and desiring opportunities to give of their time, money, or other resources. We encourage you to pass this info along to anyone you know who may be interested in blessing the Watson family. 

Thank you for all the love and support you continue to show. It has made all the difference as they continue to navigate through this challenging season of life.

Type	Company	Phone Number	Process
Electric	Cirro Energy	800-692-4776	David and Michelle Watson; 1221 Dalhart Drive, Richardson, TX, 75080
Internet	ATT	800-331-0500	214-934-0090
Gas	Atmos Energy	888-286-6700	David Watson; 1221 Dalhart Drive, Richardson, TX, 75080
Water	City of Richardson	972-744-4120	1221 Dalhart Drive, Richardson, TX, 75080
Home Insurance	Farmers	888-327-6335	David and Michelle Watson; 1221 Dalhart Drive, Richardson, 75080
Grocery	Whole Foods		Gift Cards
General Contributions	Paypal	David's Recovery Fund

The heart attack

The heart attack...

It was scary. I was leaning back resting; but overwhelmed with worry. All of a sudden my chest tightens; tighter and tighter. My jaw starts to hurt. I break out in a cold sweat and start to feel weak. And then my room is full of firemen, doing all kinds of things that I don’t really remember. David can’t go with me because of his disability. So Hannah comes. Leaving the men behind; seeing their faces...omg. ‘I love you I love you’ I say a thousand times. And poor David; tormented that he cannot be with me; protect me. Poor me;  that he cannot be with me; hold my hand...tell me it’s ok. 

Hannah did a super job. Don’t get me wrong. It was just hard. 

I’m not ready to go. But are we ever?  When we least expect it, it can happen. It was just so scary. 

But this year has been scary. Just when you think it could never get more scary...I’m kinda done with it all. Let’s start a calm chapter for a change. Can I get an amen?

They check my blood all night. My troponin levels continued to rise through the night until the morning when they started falling. 

They finally moved me to a room after staying in the ER all night Thursday into the wee hours of Friday morning. We slept all day. At least tried with all the checking and poking and prodding. Saturday came and they finally wheeled me into ‘the room.’  The cold room. The room where they see what damage has been made and if they need to put in a stint. 

The blockage is in a precarious place. It was too hard to reach to repair. So now I tiptoe everywhere. Not really, but it feels like it sometimes. 

My blood pressure: normal. Cholesterol: normal. 

Can you believe STRESS can do this?  I didn’t. I do now!  

Learning to calm myself down. Let it go. Not an easy feat but doing my best. 

There. In a nutshell. 

I love you all and am so very thankful for your love and prayers!  

Love,

His Shelli

Ps. Did I say I’m sorry that I can’t figure out why you can’t leave comments?  I will try to figure it out. In the meantime, visuallyrepaired@gmail.com. 

(I already said this, right?)

Raw truth shared with more than two

After a few minor adjustments, I share this letter with you. It is an update; long overdue; it’s not perfect; it’s very blunt sometimes. I tried to soften some edges. It is what it is. As for the dozen others who love us and continue to be there in the background; just want you to know....it feels good not to be alone. We are aware that you all have your own problems, struggles, heartaches.... I sincerely wish we knew more. It would be nice to know. Let us care for you, too. Sorry the comment thingy isn’t working. I have not had time to see what the problem is. In the meantime, if you would like to comment or share your own struggles, feel free to email;  visuallyrepaired@gmail.com

Dear M & J,

I am writing to the both of you because I don’t have to hide anything or word things just so or beat around the bush as not to make us come across so pathetic and desperate.  

I just do not have time anymore to think about the right words.  And I love you both deeply. When I think of you, my eyes fill with water. Your love and support has been so very priceless. Far away you are but nearer than the nearest person could ever be. 

My job. It has been an adjustment would be an understatement. I do have my moments of worry and tears but I feel like I give a good front being strong and all together. 

The work is tedious and keeps my focus fully on work; a good thing. I love it, am catching on quickly, and feel it’s not just a job but a good thing. It is a pediatric medical supply company. My position works between the doctors and different insurance policies to get all the paperwork needed, making sure every i is dotted and every t crossed. I am challenged every day and work with detailed medical issues these children have. It breaks my heart over and over. But it gives me something to fight for. And I do.

 I get paid every two weeks. 13.00 an hour. A fraction of what we need to make it month by month. But something. Hopefully by the end of my 90 day period they will raise me up significantly. They said that in the beginning. I’m not sure what significant means to them. I’m going with my definition for now. Hopefully significant is really significant. 

However, in the meantime, I have had one breakdown of tears and someone caught me before I could reach the ‘cry room.’  ‘Are you ok?’  Well, I was until you said that...  you know?  She led me to a room away from everything; very kind and tenderly.  ‘Do you need to go home to make sure everything’s ok?  It’s ok. We understand. You have been through a lot.’  I got control and dried my tears.   ‘I will be ok. I’m better now.’ And after a few moments of gathering myself up, I gave many thank you’s and I’m sorry’s then went back to my desk. 

Then there was the heart attack.... I didn’t know what a heart attack felt like, but after this one, I have had many fluttery feelings like that this year. Although this one was no fluttery feeling; it was serious and super scary.   It revved itself up to top speed and hit me out of the blue. I had just come home from work and was laying back in my bed talking to Hannah when things turned crazy in the blink of an eye.  

Before I knew it, nine firemen were in my room, doing whatever they were doing to keep my heart going until we got to the hospital. Wow. 

Just saying that,

feels terrifying. 

Now I have to make myself not think about ‘O G-d! Will it happen again???’

I went back to work sooner than I should have and tried to let go of fear and worry as much as I could to keep those stress levels in line. 

But in the back of my mind, I think, ‘ I’m a high risk person to hire...to keep on...to give a significant raise to...’  

And I try and push those thoughts away so worry won’t take over. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. 

Heavy sigh...

I have today. I am going to work hard and do a good job. Not a lot of attagirls and good jobs flying around, but I pat myself on the back knowing I am doing a good job. I am! 

David has taken over the household bills and all the endless paperwork needed for food stamps, the endless saga of disability that has yet to be approved, filling in financial assistance applications for every single entity of the massive hospital bills we have. No one told us to do that. We thought the hospital application would be all we needed to fill out.  We recently received our approval letter back from them; finally!  “Your balance is 0,” it said. One less burden to bear. I can get behind that!  Now David has to send that letter to all the other people who touched him and then fill out more forms for each individual one.  They don’t always go to zero but so far several of them have gone down 80%.  A significant discount. 

Then there is the insurance for low income families that David has been filling out as well. Bank statements, birth certificates, social security, on and on of all the documents needed for over a dozen people that David has had to be in charge of, with the help of the boys mostly. Fax this here, email this there. It is surmounting. 

David doesn’t break down enough. But when he does I’m glad for him. It’s hard living in his shoes. He can’t open bottles or lids because his hands aren’t able to make a fist anymore. He cannot sit in a chair for more than 30 minutes because his feet swell up and he can’t breath as well. He spends a lot of time in his recliner. He takes a two to three hour nap every single day. He is running around more than I’m comfortable with but things have to get done. Just paperwork stuff that has to be faxed or hand delivered. David stays in the car and lets his little minions do the leg work. 

Holidays aren’t so swell for him right now. Him and the boys would be camping and fishing by now but his disability prevents him from doing that. He hates being disabled.  Some days are harder than others. To see him cry and break down just breaks my heart. I’m helpless. I hold him. And we cry together. 

Hannah made an inside sukkah over our dining room table. And pushed ottomans and pillows together to make our L couch a big bed with saris as a tent. We have used saris to make sukkah tents for quite some time and look forward to getting a new one every year. Under 10 dollars for a four foot gorgeous piece of flowy fabric. I didn’t buy a new one this year.... Holidays aren’t quite the same right now.   We have yet to find our groove. 

I worked on Yom Kippur. But it didn’t bother me much except for the fact that it bothered the kids and having to leave sad faces is hard. They miss my presence at home and my shoulders are always wet from someone through the week and carried on to the weekend. 

PTSD. it’s a thing. And so far it just seems like David’s life forward is at a standstill. His limitations are great; and overwhelming. Some days he is so very frustrated and we just let him frust away. And then we cry. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my lifetime. 

And so there it is. We are just moving along at a snails pace just trying to live and love and laugh with lots of tears in the mix. It’s not normal yet. 

Life is just freaking hard right now. 

Oh ya, and there is a leak in the dining room ceiling.  Every  once in a while it leaks. David was going to fix it this year....but then things happened. 

Leaky ceilings were the last thing on our minds. 

It left a puddle on the floor. I haven’t told David yet. Just another thing....

I meant to call our friend to put a plastic something on our roof since there is so much rain in the forecast, but I truly didn’t have the heart to ask him yesterday. He even texted us to see how we were. ‘Glad it’s the weekend,’ I say, hesitating to say more; he does so much for us already. 

I really don’t want to be so desperate anymore.

We know G-d is here. 

That He loves us. 

That he has brought us this far 

and will not 

let us go.

 I know it. 

I do. 

I love you both so very much!  Thank you for your shoulder. I just needed to have a good cry. Wish I could hug you. But then I wouldn’t want to let go. 

Happy holidays!

Love, me

Post script: 

I thought getting out might brighten our day. So we loaded up the wheel chair and went to natural grocers. It’s usually not very busy and maybe a good place to start getting used to going places together with our new life. 

Oxygen and wheelchair. Park in handicapped. Boys are pros at setting the wheel chair up. All went well although it was our first real experience out like that. If someone looked at us, it was a pity look and a quick turn away. Others just tried not to see us. People don’t know what to say. Heavy sigh...we don’t either, so...

Heavy and happy

Family is the most beautiful thing in the world. I’m talking not only about the people in your home, but also those people that you aren’t related to but that are just family to you. They always know what you need and when you need it. You feel so connected to them and close, they are just ‘family’. There’s no other word for it. These few beautiful people hold you up when your legs are so weak you don’t think you can walk anymore. They know when to hold you so tight, you feel like the pieces of your broken heart are being mended in that moment. They are your voice when you don’t know what to say. They know when to just be there when everything is so heavy, you feel like you can’t even carry it any more. You few are family. We love you more than we can even say.

So, life goes on. I don’t know why I’m always surprised that things just continue on. Moms first day back at work was Wednesday. We were really worried about her, and texted and called her just to make sure she was ok at least 4 times during the course of the day. She was alright. Tired as hell, yeah. But that is to be expected after what happened. Life doesn’t ever just stop when bad things happen. You feel broken and hopeless, and then you accept it and move forward. No, things aren’t the same, and I know we will still be extra cautious in avoiding any and all unnecessary stress especially since we see how damaging it can be.

So, just for clarifications sake, because the last post I did was a little rushed to be honest. It was quite the stressful weekend! What happened was, mom has what is called unstable angina. When the doctor did a procedure on Friday called a cardiac angiogram he was able to see a 80% blockage in one of moms arteries. It was not a good place to put a stent in, so he instead put her on a few medications that will hopefully begin to resolve the situation within a few weeks to a few months. She is still at very high risk for having another heart attack. So we are trying to take it as easy as possible concerning the stress and pressure we have been under as of late. I am not entirely sure how to explain it, but if you are curious, just google it: Unstable Angina. It will give you a picture of what we are having to deal with here. Its some scary stuff. Which is why we were so nervous for her to be going back to work so fast. But, hey, sometimes you have to do scary difficult things!

One thing we have learned this week, we kind of already knew of? But it has just become more apparent now than ever. Stress is deadly. Plain and simple. If we can’t find some way to control the amount of stress we put ourselves under, our bodies will begin to crumble under the weight of it. I really believe that is what happened concerning her cardiac issues. The doctor explained to us what stress does to the heart and arteries and I will do my best to relate at least what I understood. I believe most people know about the flight or flight response to stress. However, chronic stress exposes the body to prolonged (one could even say toxic) levels of cortisol and adrenaline. While these may be good for you in small doses, in large quantities it causes your blood pressure and you blood sugar to be raised. It also causes the arteries to contract, making the heart work harder to push the oxygenated blood to different parts of the body. This also elevates the risk of blood clots. Which, all together creates a very high risk for heart attack, and strokes. Yeah, scary stuff. So, if we take away anything from this situation, its that we need to find some way to breathe and be calm in spite of the incredible amounts of stress we are under. Or our health will suffer for it.

On another note; Sunday night is Rosh Hashana. The new year. One of the traditional prayers for the holiday is the 13 attributes of God. It is a reminder that although we don’t understand (sometimes at all) why HaShem allows bad things to happen; but that we know that he is perfect and just and everything he does is good. It may take a while before we see the good in something that seems so bad. Like this year; everything that has happened seems so unfair? For lack of a better term. But we know that it is good somehow. We just have to be willing to look for it.

So happy new year to everyone. May your names be inscribed in the book of Life this coming year, and may good things come to all of you. May the goodness you have all bestowed on us return back to you tenfold. We love you. Thank you for standing with us this year, drying our tears and sharing our pain. It means so much. Good friends are not easy to come by. So when we find them, we don’t let go.

Much love,

Hannah for the Watson

Divine Comedy...

Two weeks ago, mom started her new job. Its been a really hard couple of weeks for her. Going back into the work force after 25 years is no small thing! Her work is tedious, and slightly stressful; working as a liaison in between insurance companies and doctors. But she is getting used to it and has grown to rather like it. She’s learning new things and catching on quickly, gaining new confidence as she goes.

On Thursday evening this week, after she got home from work, we were all sitting and talking together after supper, and mom complained of shortness of breath. We thought nothing of it at first but in a matter of 5 minutes she had broken into a cold sweat, looked pale as death and could hardly talk or breathe. I thought she was dying. We called 911 and told them we suspected she was having a heart attack. They sent an ambulance and a firetruck and within another 5 minutes she was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Dad obviously couldn’t go with her, so I went. It was a traumatic night. We spent the night in the ER running test after test. While her EKGs were all normal, the tale-tell signs of a heart attack were there in her blood stream and steadily rising. It seemed like the night lasted forever.

The next day, they finally moved her to a room, which was at least a little more comfortable while they continued to run tests.  After most of the tests were complete they had enough information to conclude that she did indeed have a heart attack. They did an angiogram where they went inside of a vein all the way to her heart with a little camera on the end. Everything looked good except for one small area that was about 80% blocked, however it was past a very sharp curve in the vein, so it wasn’t a good place to put in a stent.  They are planning on treating the blockage with medication and hopefully it will help to ensure that she doesn’t have another heart attack.

She and I are still at the hospital.  The Doctor came in this morning to see how she was.  Her blood work came back from last night and is slowly returning to normal levels and he was hopeful she could go home today if all continues to go well.  

It’s been a hectic weekend and let’s face it, a hectic year.  Just when we think we are gaining good grounding under our feet, along comes a mudslide.  A setback for sure, but we have come so far,           we have no good reason not to just pull our bootstraps up and try, try, again. Big words for a difficult situation.  Fake it till you make it…not all that crazy about that saying, but there is some truth in it.     Who feels like getting up EVERY SINGLE DAY and being a badass?  Sometimes you just have to want it so bad that it hurts, even though you feel like a puddle, so in conclusion, fake it till you make it.

We love all of you and will try to update more as we can.                                                                              Thank you for all your well wishes, help and prayers.  

p.s. Someone told me I should mention that this turn of events has once again set us back a bit financially. So I will attach the PayPal link down below, for anyone who wishes to give. 

https://paypal.me/pools/c/842Ba2EMED

I remember...

I remember

I remember when David was sick and I took him to the Doctor. 

I remember taking him straight home because he was shivering but he didn’t have a fever and then going back to fill his medicine and hurrying back so he could start taking it to feel better. 

I remember that he didn’t get better but worse and taking him to the emergency room. 

I remember that he doesn’t remember any of these things. 

I remember them putting him in a coma so he wouldn’t die. 

And coming to the hospital everyday; mostly standing by his bedside and touching him. Hoping, praying, sighing, wondering, dreading, thinking too much...

I remember when he was the head of the household. And I stayed home and took care of home and family. 

Now I am the head of household. At least all the millions of papers I’m filling out says so. 

But he is still the head of our home. I’m just assisting him and ‘administrating’ so to speak, for the CEO. 

I have been busy keeping things together, taking care of business, home, family and getting ready to step my feet back in to the workplace. My first day is tomorrow. 

A bittersweet feeling. Sweet in that although it will be less than half of what David brought in, it’s something, and this is the way I can help the family. 

9-5 Monday through Friday; Administrative. Close to home. 

Everyone has their own take on it. David hates that he can’t do it so I reassure him that it’s ok and maybe later he can. He feels less, but I don’t see him less. He is still my rock and I am his assistant doing what needs to be done, for him. 

And the boys... I know all their little quirks and between the lines stuff. And I won’t be there to see what they need, to keep them motivated, to help them carry their little burdens and so on. 

And my girl. My strong girl whom I know inside and out. All her quirks and fears and burdens. 

And how I will need to carry a makeup bag in my purse tomorrow when I can’t hold the tears back and have to hide it. 

They are all taking on things that have been my responsibility. And I know they can do it. It’s just new and uncomfortable and we will all have to adjust to yet another new thing. 

Every once in a while tears fill my eyes as I think about things to remind David of. ‘If Hannah does this then she is...or if Johnny does that he needs... and if Matt, ...let them talk a lot. Touch them. Don’t keep them too busy. Interact.’  Not that I question David’s ability in the least, it’s just the things I will miss out on that all of a sudden take over my heart. 

And David... he is not great. He has been coughing a lot and takes 2-3 hour naps daily. NEEDS OXYGEN OFTEN. And his limitations are frustrating to him. He sometimes forgets and then remembers, and is a little down off and on through the day.  Sad thoughts throwing shade on his sunshine. 

The problem is that all of them smile and say everything is ok. And mommas have a way of looking deeper to see that smile doesn’t belong to that heart in this moment and I have to be an archeologist, counselor, friend, sunshine, creatively find something to do together to make them forget for a while....

And smiles kill me the most lately. Because I always see behind the smile; the pain. 

There are true smiles from time to time; I relish in them and am so very grateful when I see authentic smiles. 

Still waiting for disability. Still receiving kindnesses here and there to help us get through the waiting. Now I get to add a little kindness to our bank account as well. 

For the first time ever, we did not pay our mortgage this month. They have been reviewing our loss mitigation claim for months now. It was supposed to only take 30 days. But it’s going on 90. 

Hopefully we will hear back soon and be able to pay a significantly decreased amount that will help through this time. 

The hospital charity board called me a week or two ago to get updated on our status which is now worse than what it was. She said we should hear something back in a couple of weeks which should be any day now. It will be in the form of a letter. Hopefully it will put a significant dent on our hospital bills. And oh what a day it will be to copy that letter and send to every single one of our hospital debts that gives us a get out of jail card and collect a hundred dollars. (Add as many zeros in front of that 1 as you please.). 

A girl can hope. 

Also, the CareNow review team are looking over all of our medical bills and situation that basically sent us to the emergency room in the first place. It may come to nothing, but at least they know what happened to a healthy vibrant man whom they told to ‘take these pills and you will feel better in two days...’

He has a doctors appointment week after next that Hannah and the boys will take him to. I will be working.  I am trying to write down all the questions we need to ask so they won’t forget. Hannah will go in with him. 

A friend, a Superman friend, suggested we record the visit so we can play it back. Ingenious!

I know hope lingers. I don’t feel it often, but I cannot imagine getting through this without it. 

Thank you, if you are still following. We are still here. It has been hard to find time to write. I will continue. It just may be short updates with a longer update every now and then. I know you love us and are praying. And we all thank you so very much. 

Love,

Shelli