Wish, wish, wish....

Wish wish wish...I could write more than once a week. 

But life... is upon us. And this is the best I can do. Although it helps ssssoooo much to think and to write and to see. It’s so revealing and it helps me. 

This week will be somewhat of a bullet blog. Highlights into our week. It’s my goal, however, if I know me, some bullets might be too long. And the order will be completely ‘out of order’ as I am depending on my memory recall of events and some stick out more than others. 

Here goes:

• Hannah has signed up for both philosophy and psychology this coming semester. (I’m so excited...) because she comes home and spills everything on us and we also are more educated and better from her hard work of studying and learning. 

• David is still coughing; he can still over exert himself in a flash; he still needs oxygen many times a day and through the night; he takes over two hour naps on a daily basis AND he sleeps in till nine a.m. almost everyday. Sleep/rest = healing. And so, on we go. 

• He is faithfully exercising everyday on the recumbent bike and yoga ball and is increasing his time every week. He was at a lull for a while, and he needs a great deal of encouragement sometimes, but is mostly self-motivated as long as his spirits are high. 

• Oh, the first thing I should have bulleted... all forms from Social Security lawyer have been signed and turned in. ‘We will take it from here,’ they say. ‘We insist.’ They will not have to tell us twice...heavy sigh. 

• Thirteen separate bills that equal our hospital stay have been called FAITHFULLY every month. The first time we called and told them our financial assistant from Texas Health is pending, they in turn told us to send the letter of approval when we receive it and to be sure and call every month to ensure these bills did not go to creditors. All bills, except for three, would benefit from the assistance. The three that would not, I started making payments of $5.00 a month to avoid being handed over to a collector. However, this month when I called to remind the ten remaining, two had already handed us over to creditors. Even though I had recorded the date and who I talked to last, they were unwilling to listen. 

• you do everything right, according to their rules and yet to no avail. Drastic situations calls for drastic measures. 
• 

• However next time it will have to be $2.00 a bill instead of $5.00. It’s only because $5.00 can add up might fast when it’s 5 x13. And there is no money coming in right now. We are on reserves; except for the kindness of donations trickling in sometimes and ‘at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT!’

• My resume is almost complete so I can begin submitting to prospective opportunities. It is a little challenging; I have not ‘worked’ outside of the home in 24 years, except for a part-time contracting job with the naturopathic Doctor who helped David over ten years ago. It was a fun and flexible job and I did most of it at home. However her business grew and she needed full time help which I was not able to do at the time. 

• the potential position needs to be close to home. I have lots of experience in many things; cooking, health, dietician, teaching, bookkeeping, managing a home, art, etc...as a mom. Before mommy/wife, I was an administrative receptionist/ events coordinator. But that has been over 24 years ago. If I could only get my foot in the door, I am pretty sure I could quickly get back into the swing of things. And Hannah is very good at resumes. So, fingers crossed!

• another one of those things that should have been at the top of the list; David was able to put on his old tennis shoes yesterday. So his swelling has been going down off and on. He was swollen by the end of the day, but it’s not really an abnormal thing. Shake those ‘dogs’ off them tired puppies and kick back. Isn’t that something we all do?

• things are still very overwhelming and I have realized this week, how much so. So many things squeezing us, and tears burst out if we blink at one another wrong. We laugh and cry at the same time...and when we cry, we cry, with all of our hearts, and giggles slip out through it all. And then we repeat, several times before the calm comes. 

• But today, we are trying to breath deeper, and my new favorite word is; Underwhelm. Because overwhelm has been following way too close, and It feels like we are on the edge of an abyss, and could slip at any moment if we don’t underwhelm ourselves. 

• It may be that I’m repeating myself, but it feels like we are between before and after; right smack dab in the middle of here and there. Lots of unknowns and flailing in the dark, trying to find ways to elevate his quality of life. There is not much the Doctors have to offer. And so I have been doing my own research in ways to support his lungs. It’s a slow process. We don’t want to add too many options at once, so we can more easily eliminate that which doesn’t seem to bring improvement. 

• Each day is precious. But...and I hate to say that...but. There are so many things to do. And how realistic is to sit and stare at each other and make the most of moments? 

• Life goes on. We must allow it to carry us and make responsible choices; keeping the machine rolling. And learning through this, how to give to everything in a balanced way. 

• Honestly, it’s been a good long while since we have really laid things down just to rest. But we are realizing. it isn’t a luxury, it is definitely a necessity. 

• July 4th, I laid it all down, and it felt so good. But then the next day comes, and everything is there, demanding my attention. Medical bills, regular bills, homeschool, college, money, David’s health, finding a new doctor close by, learning what’s an emergency and what is not, completing my resume, applying for jobs, oh, and so many more things that wouldn’t make sense to you, but they are there, trying to squeeze the life out of us. 

• But as the song goes that has been playing over and over and over; that we can’t find anywhere...but wish we could because it’s a great song. We can only remember one sentence. ‘Everything’s gonna be ok.’ Go ahead, google search it. You will find many songs but none of them are it. The song must have an abstract title and is hidden from us for the moment. 

• Nevertheless...it keeps playing. Over and over; at just the right time. And we don’t think about ‘what’s the name of that song? I need it!!!’ We are only thinking....may it be so, with several sighs and a little glimmer of hope. 

• And then after the calm washes over, we come to our senses and think ‘what was that song?????’

But, in the end, we keep holding on to that. Everything will be ok. 

May it be so. 

XO

Shelli

PS...I have yet to write thank you’s to those whom I have addresses. Every time I think about my absence of a thank you or when David reminds me, I burst into tears. And so, once again, thank you...for your kind words, your care and concern, your help, love, everything..., thank you x infinity! I WILL write thank you’s. It’s at the top of my list, but inevitably gets pushed down because of imminent moments that need immediate attention. Please understand and do not feel slighted. We are living off of all of your kindnesses; way more than monetary but I would be lying if I said the monetary was not keeping us afloat. But as I write that, the encouragement equally keeps us afloat. We live in a physical world, with physical needs. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could live on encouragement alone? Is that the goal? If it is we are failing. The heaviness of losing everything sometimes causes me to be in the physical aspect of it more than I desire. But such is life. And one thing we cannot lose; each other.