The good, the bad, and the whatever...

Today, I ran into a friend, 

and my tears
came fast.
No one knows
what to say.
I get it.
But the eyes say everything, 
and it makes me cry. 

The eyes say;
I’m thinking about you. 
I’m praying. 
I’m sorry. 
I wish I could
do something.

And it makes things
easier, 
for the moment.

You must read 
between the lines, because 
I cannot share 
everything.

I’m repeating myself...
only because
this is an update 
and things 
are much the same. 
He exerts himself; 
he cannot breathe. 
It feels like 
jumping in a pool 
and accidentally 
trying to breathe 
while under water. 
And watching 
him gasp for air 
while walking 
causes my heart to sink.

It is impossible 
for him to work. 
It’s impossible 
for me to have 
an outside job
just yet. 

Social Security 
still needs 
yet another thing... 
(Shocker!)

We are scraping by; 

getting down to the nitty gritty; 
and it’s scary as hell. 

Moving is inevitable.

It’s bittersweet 
in a way. 
We are considering Denton. 
It’s less expensive 
and UNT 
is handy for the kids.

We have been 
in this house 
for 22 years. 
All of our memory’s 
are here. 
We planted trees; 
they grew; 
we made the walls our own 
with happy colors;
grew vegetables...
I nurtured babies here; 

read to them; 
tucked them in at night. 

Built a life. 

It’s hard to leave 

comfortable
when everything else 
is so uncomfortable. 
Can we have at least 
one comfortable thing? 

I’m thinking of
‘Fiddler On The Roof,’
where Tevia 
shakes his fist to G-d 

wanting things to not be so hard. 
I can’t remember 
the exact quote. 
Maybe I  am not 

remembering correctly. 
I just see him 
shaking his fist; 
a liberating thing. 

Why should we 
lie out loud 
when inside 
we are screaming
‘why?’ 
Passion is a good thing.

And then there is the

question and answer article about

‘Why is life so hard?’

One response said this:
—————
‘Why is my life so hard?
Lacking specificity as to what parts of your life are difficult right now, I don’t see how anyone can give you a complete or comprehensive answer to your concerns. But there are some lessons to be learned in a more general sense.

Ask yourself these two questions…
• When is life easy?
• When is life hard?

– Life is easy when we have arrived! We’ve reached our goal and can afford to kick back and take life easy. Nothing is expected of us beyond the basics of survival.
– Life becomes much harder when we are learning, striving and growing. We’re in unfamiliar territory, expending great energy, being challenged, contemplating the unknown, and, not unlike a race car driver, negotiating dangerous turns towards an outcome that is uncertain.’

————-

And that’s how it feels... 

negotiating dangerous turns 

towards an outcome 

that is uncertain. 

And so we continue to go 

towards turns that are dangerous 

and wondering what the outcome will be; hoping it will be good, because honestly? 
We are done. 
Can we get a little 
good in here? 
Don’t you hate it when 

people say bad is good? 

(even though it’s true.)

XO