The end

I will no longer be posting updates on this blog. 

If you would like to continue to be updated, please email me at shelligirl613@gmail.com 

Thank you everyone for everything. 

Shelli

Hannah's thoughts

The past bounces off the walls in sorrowful, haunting echoes. Memories mingled together in no particular order don’t make sense, except for the feeling they leave you with. Even happy memories are tinged with sadness, as the subject of their affection while being human is tied to the most inanimate of objects: a house. But it’s not a house, it’s a home. I once read that it’s not the house that makes the home, but rather the people. I think that is true, but somehow memories and the very people themselves are tied to one central location, and that is this house.  

As I look around me, every inch, every corner of this house is teeming with life and memories. So much of my life has happened here. It was in this very room at 4 years old I decided I wanted to be a mom, and so I practiced on the dolls I had, until I was old enough to realize it was silly and they were not real. It was here I grew into a teen, wearing dark eyeliner, and listening to what I thought was angsty music – it was not. It was here I fell in love. It was in this house that the boys were born, and it was here that they grew. All the time in between has been steeped in joy and sadness, tears and laughter.  

All good things must come to an end, it is said, but why? Why must life in its original state be pain and sadness. Is happiness such a taboo thing?  

Nevertheless, the Watson house is being sold. 1**1 D******t, our street address for 20 years, in one short month will no longer be. It seems a trivial thing to be attached to, but it feels like my heart could break.   

Feeling too, that in-between space, where I wonder where we will go next. N says, it feels uncomfortable because there is not a definitive point B to move to, when point A as an option is quickly slipping away. He’s right, and from a poetic standpoint I am sure it would be fantastic to simply exist in the in-between. But practicality calls and awakes us all from slumber. Eyes wide, partially from terror of what awaits and the other bit from sadness from yet another loss, we trudge forward; seeking frantically for a place to lay our heads.  

This is where we are, and for now, here is where we will remain. And I do mean emotionally, just to be clear, because we are moving. It is finished.

Post Post Script

So, possibly, our hearing will be

January-March 2020. 

It could be later. 

IF we are approved.... 

our disability payments 

won’t start until September 2020 

at the earliest. 

Can you believe this?  

I can’t. 

It is so discouraging. 

Lose everything before we help you. 

What kind of world do we live in?  

Heavy sigh. 

Today, Sunday, May 26, we drove around to various apartments. We only got to walk through one; most we’re closed today because of Memorial Day. But it was a nice day together. 

This is happening. 

Post Script

Breaking News Flash. 

The hearing is not until next year between January-March 2020. 

David says,

“Just stop writing the blog. It’s so sad and people will think we are still falling apart.”

And, I’m like, “We ARE still falling apart.”

And that’s just the truth . It is what it is. The reality of his disability is really hard on David. He tries to do things and realizes he can’t. He really is the most determined man I’ve ever known. And we have discovered even determination has its limits. 

And we watch him suffer and persevere, but also see him feel hopeless at times, crushes us because there is not a damn thing we can do about it. 

Did I say my job is kicking my ass?  Probably. I repeat myself often, I know. Same old story. 

I like it but it is quite hard on my body. I have moments of, ‘This ain’t so bad. I love helping people,’ to ‘crying because I am so tired and sore.’  But this too shall pass. 

So, because we reached out to a few senators, it looks like we have gotten a chance for our hearing before the Judge moved up. After the hearing, which is not set yet, it will be another six months before disability actually kicks in. 

I think about things sometimes, and tears are easy. The government wants us to lose everything before they do anything??? #%>>€€%##<<€€€€€>~~|#%€€€£><%*+!>,?

We are busy going through things, getting rid of, repairing things that we can, so we can sell the house, move into an apartment and live off of our equity. 

A new start. Scary. But maybe a change of scenery will help us overcome better. 

If I repeat myself, I apologize. But there are two people who have given to us consistently, and without it, I fear to imagine our fate thus far. It has been life-saving and thank you’s seem so shallow. But it’s all I got. 

So, as much as I want to quit you, blog, I still have voice. We still cry. We still ache. It’s getting old, but beyond...there is light, because sometimes I see glimpses of spark. 

I love you, to those who read, and ache with us; and send us happy thoughts and send us hope. Thank you. Not a shallow letter in those words to me. It runs deep and I wish I had more eloquent ways to express. But I’m too tired to think something up. Lol

XOXO

Shelli girl for us all

Freaky Friday on Steroids

David is doing ok. Up and down, you know. Disability has yet to come and we are close to selling our home before we lose it. 

David and I don’t get too much me and him time. It may be we are avoiding it. All we do is fuss and cry because he wants my job and I want his. 

It’s still just so uncomfortable. And my job is very physical. I am soaking wet when I come home and I never used to sweat. 

I make 1/4 of what he made. My contribution feels so unhelpful. There are two people that give month to month.  But we can’t count on it. It’s a surprise every month. And it’s just presumptuous to except it. But it has been our life-jacket every time. 

I would love to say everything is wonderful and I am loving the work. One day, yes, one day, may it be so. 

We are here; healthy as can be. And the mortgage is paid this month. Day by day. Month by month. This is how we live. I personally want to sink. But I love too much to desire such a thing. 

And my heart. It aches. Spiritually; physically. What a scary thing. 

...

At least...

Two weeks down.  It is hard work. My body feels pain like I’ve never felt before. I know it’s like exercise; eventually I will get used to it. I do love the people I work with AND love the work.  It has been so exciting working in  downtown. One Arts Plaza is my main office but now I will be at the Arpeggio most days, checking in some days at One Arts. I have clients Tuesday thru Friday. Monday’s are meeting days at One Arts. They start at 11am. So it’s a weekend continuation somewhat. 

Oh, the weekends... sweetest ever. Resting and enjoying time with my people. Weekends....are really weekends again. 

There have been so many ups and downs these past few weeks; it’s an adjustment for all of us in so many ways. 

At least David’s alive. 

At least you have a job. 

At least you still have your home. 

And on and on and on. 

And YES, these things are so very true and of course we are very grateful for the ‘at least’ things. 

But it is still an enormous mountain. And every morning we rise and climb; like everyone. Right?  

Still, so many tears and losses; grief; adjustments...

I keep thinking, ‘If we can just get through this year, we will be ok.’ But then as those words leave my mouth and my ears hear... I realize, rather, ‘If we can just get through this day, we will be ok.’  

Oh, but the weekends. I can see myself living for them. Everything stops for a moment and we all have time to regroup and breathe. And it feels so healing. 

Life interrupted

It’s amazing how easy David bruises.  It’s like last year aged him ten years. 

A watched hole never shrinks

It has been two months since I have been trying to find a permanent job and juggling many temporary ones.  However, Monday, March 25, I am starting my dream job. My title is 'Luxury Home Manager.' It is quite hard to describe, but I will be working close to the Arts District in Downtown Dallas.  If you live here in Dallas, you have probably noticed these high-rise apartments going up everywhere. I will be assigned to one of those buildings being a personal assistant to several condo-owners, I run errands, restock groceries, organize maid service through our vendors, fluff up the pillows, tidy up a little and leave flowers and a note letting them know everything I accomplished for them and offering suggestions of other things our vendor offers if I feel it may benefit them. I will also be on-site if they need home repairs and or maid service to oversee the different jobs being done.

Full benefits; I pay nothing; Full means Full;  4 weeks paid vacation yearly; 401k match; omg, my jaw is on the floor and I can't even remember all the other little perks of this job.  It pays well and they give me a stipend for both gas and phone.

This is good news.  It is.  We are all excited.  Sadly it is still an adjustment for us all at how different life is.  I recently heard someone talk about grief like a large hole that can't be filled, but over time it grows smaller and it becomes easier to be happy.  That's how we all feel; this big hole of grief that is there and hasn't seemed to shrink much.

We had to get my car worked on before I started the new job and found out we need about $2,000 worth of repairs done, but we could only repair $500 worth. Our mortgage went up again.  The 401k David cashed out is at a very scary low and NO Disability has not been approved yet.

I am starting my new job.  It will take time to build up momentum.  I see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea at this point if we will be able to keep the house. I just have no idea.

But, yes, I have a job.  And I am very excited to start.  The heaviness of being the provider is still overwhelming.  I know it will get easier, it's just not yet. I don't like writing in the blog anymore because I can only imagine in my mind people thinking 'Grow up, girl!' 'Grow a pair.'  'Stop all your whining and complaining.'  'Get on with it already.'

And I want to.  I really do. I have spent the past 25 of my years giving to my family; making sure everything runs smoothly. Homeschool, meal-planning, budgeting, creating a home... Now when my family needs me the most, I am unable to be here, because I need to work.  That's my part now.  I get it. But it still hurts like hell.  And we are still on the verge of losing a lot more than we already have.

David is as good as he can be, health-wise.  However, his spirits are quite down most of the time.  And that freaking hurts like hell watching him be so sad.  It really sucks.  There is no lack of trying to make life happy; believe me.  But the hole; it's just there, taunting us.

But I have my dream job.  A job I was made for.  A job that gives me great joy to do; helping others behind the scenes; making their life easier.  This is a corner turned, for sure.

Today has been a busy day getting ready to start my week.  Making sure no one has more than they can handle and 'overseeing' the budget and meal-planning to the best of my ability, keeping the home running smoothly, keeping things clean; assigning tasks.  It takes a family.

Executing lofty goals, updates, and a variety of newsy news

Me and my dog

Hi, if you are still here. I know a handful are. And my lofty goal is to be more faithful in writing. If  short is the new long I think I may be able to pull it off. 

I have been Instacart shopping, tutoring and freelancing administrative ‘stuff’ as well as researching furiously to get something sure going through freelancing so I can work at home and when not, staying close by.

It has been kind of exciting... I mean, I have given 25 years to my family. And realizing, after having been out of the workforce for so long, I do have much to offer? It’s encouraging!

We are still waiting for disability. We have about four months left of money for living and it is quite possible we will have to move within that time, giving up our home of 23 years.

It’s hard to stay up close and focused on so many hard things. We have learned to stand back and look at things full view. It’s less overwhelming.

David is doing great. He exercises every day and is constant. Routines that are constant every day make him feel very safe. I get it. He has been like that forever. I recently told him he could probably exercise every other day. And he adamantly said ‘No.’ He has to do it everyday, along with naps and a dozen other things he can rely on day by day. Those routines are the magic that keeps him moving. 

He can do a lot of things, one task at a time.  He has to rest in between because he gets so out of breath. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

His emotional well-being is not so great a lot of days. Lots of hugs all around; pats and kisses; and ‘we are going to be ok’ kind of stuff. We all need it at any given moment. And then back on track we go.

Don’t get be wrong, we have a lot of good days, too. And when he laughs, it still starts from the bottom of his toes, traveling with intensity all the way up into his big daddy belly laugh infectiously filling the whole house (and our hearts) followed by the cough.The cough he has dozens of times a day. It’s just part of the package deal he got last year.  Does it stop him from laughing? No. That man!

 

I’m still trying to learn my everyday daily things. It seems a little all over the place but I’m dipping my toes into many options and trying to narrow things down to bring in more money than I am now.

Hannah has a part time job while still going to college and she is helping with finances. Matt is repairing computers and advising technical issues for a fee while also going to college. He is bringing in some money as well. I rarely see Hannah. She is either at school or working. We cross paths every once in a while and take great advantage of it.

I’m working on a landing page and narrowing down skills I am good at so I can focus on those things. My friend, M, has been helping me. I don’t know what I would do with out her in all honesty.

I’m also designing a web page for a friend very below market value (free) so she can give me a recommendation I can post on my profile. In the process, I am getting valuable experience learning a profitable skill.  I love to be creative.  It is one of my passions.

I have an interview tomorrow for a Concierge service serving the elderly that are still able to live at home but need assistance with various things like shopping, picking up RX’s, preparing a meal, tidying up, and various other things. It’s only part time but it is ideal at this point. I have income coming in through several part time gigs learning valuable skills on my way towards something better.

Needs: We really need help with our mortgage. If you would like to give, use the PayPal button or send to our address.

1221 Dalhart Drive

Richardson, TX 75080

I hate asking, but sometimes people ask what we need and this is our greatest one at the moment.

We love you all. I hope you are still here. It gives us great hope and courage knowing you are thinking of us and praying. It really does! I miss your comments. I still have not figured out why comments can’t be left anymore. Which reminds me.... I will see if I can remedy that.

Xoxo

Shelli

A view from the Pulmonologist